Throughout this world upside down year I have worked to create a "normal"- someplace where things don't seem so out of time and space -and where I could continue to run my life. I got up, put my earrings in, drove to my quiet quiet office and sat to do whatever work landed on my desk. I also avoided doing the closet cleaning, garage cleaning, drawer cleaning, house cleaning...that everyone else seemed to accomplish. No shopping, theatre, museums, and baseball was just weird I thought. The kids in the neighborhood rode their bikes with masks on...that still a year later stops me in my tracks. I cannot stop worrying about the memories they will carry with them. I am SO over anything with a screen and my once passion for news and politics is buried. I did this! I played the supermarket delivery games, did matching masks,went through jugs of sanitizer and put one foot in front of the other doing what had to be done to stay safe, including getting poked in the arm as we all must. Grateful for so much including a messy garden filled with critters who give me fits chomping away on anything with a bloom who welcome me to play along til the sun goes down.
One thing I couldn't rearrange,reorganize, make neat and tidy or even make work,however, was a Mom in lockdown. I imposed with a fierceness, and did everything in my power to ensure, a fortress around her life. Try as I might to create and fill with whatever cheer I could find on a daily basis to "Camp Mommy" with books, conversations, movie suggestions, lessons on hairstyling -she had not done her own hair in 60 years, email links to rabbit hole sites, suggestions for how to play bridge online, book and magazine drop-offs, and grocery deliveries filled with fun food...she was still sheltered, albeit comfortably, in one place-alone. She did "escape" once or twice from my carefully planned fortress and incurred the sheer blinding panic driven overblown wrath of an overwrought daughter, she seriously has not let that go! Throughout I always insisted that "I got this"-this telling the universe not to come near! Taking on a role that she sees as hers and I insist is mine. We played continuous round robins of who is better at protecting whom, and who is really in charge, and whose role is it really?? and through each check in I heard my voice and I heard "The Voice" that has been firmly implanted -that Mom recording that I hit "Play" on again and again and again...Yes, I learned well-perhaps too well, but here I am still hitting play on words that I don't want to hear for myself yet find automatically flying out of me.
My Mom and her voice...well, she is a Mom, my Mom. This is what she does and it seems it is what I do too. Despite many other roles and abilities, being a Mom is who she is with every inch of her being..and the root of all of this is love. That voice that lectures and reminds and pushes and frets and worries and...all come from a source that was planted through generations. Even though my Grandmother is no longer here she would be happy to know that the Muzak she implanted in both her daughter and in me plays everyday! WWND?-What Would Nana Do? makes us smile,laugh and remember. By some extraordinary string that will always connect us we still do it Nana's way, with our own twist, but Nana is in there in every high pitched instruction and lecture and reprimand and laugh! How lucky I am -I got stereo! There is my Nana's Muzak and there is my Mother's- not surprisingly very similar tunes. Of course it is not just the "do it my way" tunes that I hear each day but more profoundly the emotional songs that have taken root from the bottom of my feet. These roots come from knowing without any hesitation or embarrassment that I keep playing those tunes because I need to hear that "noise"...and I learned this year that it is clear I always will.
"My most important title is ‘mom-in-chief’. My daughters are still the heart of my heart and the centre of my world." - Michelle Obama, Former First Lady
I need the voice of the ones who love me no matter what! I
may not always get it right but there is no auditioning or interviewing here. Even when
the raincoat is in the car keeping the car dry, I know that if I get
wet there is shelter available. If
you are lucky in this life the bond with your Mom is the simplest, and
many times the most complicated, one you will ever have. I am THAT
lucky! There is nothing more basic or necessary than being loved completely and knowing
that love sustains , motivates and grounds you. The string that runs
from Mom to child is the most powerful and lasting connection there
will ever be. We may walk through different doors painted different colors but we are
usually going in the same direction... together! (much like the time we
discovered we were in adjacent dressing rooms in Bloomingdales!)
The
definition of a Mom cannot be found in a Hallmark card, in an ad for
cake mix, or on a rerun of a 70s sitcom. A Mom is defined by her life's
work. She can be a Supreme Court Justice or a candidate for President,
but her Momdom is at the core of everything she does. Her success is not
found in material success but in the knowledge that there is a perpetual work in
progress out there that will always hear her music, always need her tune
to be played, and always love her.
So as we slowly, very slowly Mom-are you listening!, emerge from this surreal year, we can actually plan a Mother's Day even if still with a pretty mask. I realize with all that still is not right one thing is...a tradition. This tradition looks a whole lot different from the many Mother's Days past, so many are now just two. A tradition that I recognize far too many cannot do this year, Moms and Daughters who cannot do Mother's Day any longer. The pain of this year takes my breath away, it cannot be absorbed, it is so large, so overwhelming. All the more reason to do everything within my power to ensure that tradition, no matter how altered, endures. A Mother and Grandmother will be celebrated! on this Mother's Day and everyday!
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