Mother's Day and Every Day-The Voices I Carry

Throughout this world turned upside-down existence, I have worked to create a "normal"- someplace where things don't seem so out of time and space -and where I could continue to run MY  life. I am SO over anything with a screen and my once passion for news and politics has been supplanted with a “just don’t look” desire, but of course look we must  So, I did this! I played the supermarket delivery games, did matching masks, went through jugs of sanitizer, and put one foot in front of the other doing what had to be done to stay safe, including getting poked in the arm a few times as we all must. Grateful for so much including a messy garden filled with critters who give me fits chomping away on anything with a bloom but who welcome me to play along til the sun goes down. 

" Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly." ~Ambrose Bierce

One thing in all these two surreal years I could not arrange, organize, make neat and tidy, or even make work, however, was a Mom in lockdown. I imposed with a fierceness, and did everything in my power to ensure, a fortress around her life.  Try as I might to create and fill with whatever cheer I could find on a daily basis to "Camp Mommy"  with books, conversations, movie suggestions, lessons on hairstyling -she had not done her own hair in 60 years, email links to rabbit hole sites, suggestions for how to play bridge online, book and magazine drop-offs, and grocery deliveries filled with fun food...she was still sheltered, albeit comfortably, in one place-alone.  Having to impose yet another lock-down early this winter was not met with full compliance. Yes, Mother’s “misbehave”! She did "escape" once or twice from my carefully planned fortress and incurred the sheer blinding panic-driven overblown wrath of an overwrought daughter, she seriously has not let that go! Throughout all this insane time  I always insisted that "I got this"-this telling the universe not to come near! Taking on a role that she sees as hers and I insist is mine. We played continuous round robins of who is better at protecting whom, who is really in charge, and whose role is it really??  and through each check-in I heard my voice and I heard "The Voice" that has been firmly implanted -that Mom recording that I hit "Play" on again and again and again. Yes, I learned well-perhaps too well, but here I am still hitting the play button on a voice that I don't want to hear for myself yet find automatically flying out of me. The voice of my Mom and her Mom.  

That voice that lectures remind, pushes, and frets and worries, oh yes that voice worries-a lot!  That voice comes from a source that was planted through generations. Even though my Grandmother is no longer here she would be happy to know that the Muzak she implanted in both her daughter and in me plays every day! WWND?-What Would Nana Do? makes us smile, laugh, and remember. By some extraordinary string that will always connect us, we still do it Nana's way, with our own twist, but Nana is in there in every fiercely determined instruction,  lecture, reprimand, and laugh!  How lucky I am -I got those voices in stereo! There is my Nana's Muzak and there is my Mother's- not surprisingly very similar tunes. Of course, it is not just the "do it my way" tunes that I hear each day but more profoundly the emotional songs that have taken root in my being. The roots that hold me firmly in place, perhaps too much some days,  come from knowing without any hesitation or embarrassment that I keep playing those tunes because I need to hear that "noise"...and I have learned once again through these crazy days that it is clear I always will.

"If at first you don't succeed, try doing it the way mom told you to in the beginning."

~Unknown

I need the voice of the ones who love me no matter what! I may not always get it right but there is no auditioning or interviewing here. Even when the raincoat is in the car keeping the car dry, I know that if I get wet there is always shelter, just hit the play button. If you are lucky in this life the bond with your Mom is the simplest, and many times the most complicated, one you will ever have. I am THAT lucky! There is nothing more basic or necessary than being loved completely and knowing that love sustains, motivates, and grounds you. The string that runs from Mom to child is the most powerful and lasting connection there will ever be. We may walk through different doors painted different colors but we are usually going in the same direction... together! (much like the time we discovered we were in adjacent dressing rooms in Bloomingdales!)

"Life doesn't come with a manual, it comes with a mother."

~ Unknown

The definition of a Mom cannot be found in a Hallmark card, in an ad for cake mix, or on a rerun of a 70s sitcom. A Mom is defined by her life's work which stems from her soul and the most remarkable bond there can be. As we witness the Moms of Ukraine move heaven and earth to keep their children out of harm's way, placing themselves in peril very often to do this, as we watch them push forward with no idea of what lies ahead just to ensure their children have some sense of stability amidst chaos and horrific options, we are seeing the definition of Motherhood.  Leaving everything they have ever known, in an instant, with only what they can literally carry including favorite teddy bears and warm clothes, and with no sense of when or if they will ever be able to bring their children back “home.” Heartbreaking. Painful. Unimaginable. These are the choices that Moms make -not for themselves, but for their children-first and foremost, their children. So a Mom can run a country if that was her choice, but her Momdom is probably at the core of everything she does-her compass. Her real mission is not found in any public-facing material success but in the knowledge that there is a perpetual work in progress out there that will always hear her music, always need her tune to be played, and always love her, even when through periods when they may be on different galaxies, speaking different languages-that core essential thread running through them both, a thread that began long before they did, is always pulling them back to center, back “home”.

As we slowly, very slowly Mom-are you listening!, make attempts to move forward from this surreal time we can actually plan a Mother's Day even if we are still popping on a  pretty mask. I realize with all that still is not right, and all that the world is facing, that the moms of the world are facing each day,  one thing is holding up...a tradition.  For us that tradition looks a whole lot different from the many Mother's Days past, the Mother’s Day crowd is just two and a tradition that I recognize with great pain that far too many cannot do at all.  The horrors of this moment in time take my breath away, it cannot be absorbed, it is so large, so overwhelming.  All the more reason to do everything within my power to ensure that tradition, no matter how altered, endures. The voices that I carry, that I rely on, and always will, of a Mother and a Grandmother who help me steer my own ship, and whose life’s work matters to me very much! they will be celebrated! on this Mother's Day and everyday!

Happy Mother's Day Mummy...job well done, but never really finished! I will always be your “work in progress” I love you!

"A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary."

~ Dorothy Canfield Fisher

Tied to Tradition-Mother's Day and Everyday

"Motherhood: All love begins and ends there." ~ Robert Browning

Throughout this world upside down year I have worked to create a "normal"- someplace where things don't seem so out of time and space -and where I could continue to run my life. I got up, put my earrings in, drove to my quiet quiet office and sat to do whatever work landed on my desk. I also avoided doing the closet cleaning, garage cleaning, drawer cleaning, house cleaning...that everyone else seemed to accomplish.  No shopping, theatre, museums, and baseball was just weird I thought.  The kids in the neighborhood rode their bikes with masks on...that still a year later stops me in my tracks. I cannot stop worrying about the memories they will carry with them.  I am SO over anything with a screen and my once passion for news and politics is buried. I did this! I played the supermarket delivery games, did matching masks,went through jugs of sanitizer and put one foot in front of the other doing what had to be done to stay safe, including getting poked in the arm as we all must. Grateful for so much including a messy garden filled with critters who give me fits chomping away on anything with a bloom who  welcome me to play along til the sun goes down. 

" Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly." ~Ambrose Bierce

 
One thing I couldn't rearrange,reorganize, make neat and tidy or even make work,however, was a Mom in lockdown. I imposed with a fierceness, and did everything in my power to ensure, a fortress around her life.  Try as I might to create and fill with whatever cheer I could find on a daily basis to "Camp Mommy"  with books, conversations, movie suggestions, lessons on hairstyling -she had not done her own hair in 60 years, email links to rabbit hole sites, suggestions for how to play bridge online, book and magazine drop-offs, and grocery deliveries filled with fun food...she was still sheltered, albeit comfortably, in one place-alone.  She did "escape" once or twice from my carefully planned fortress  and incurred the sheer blinding panic driven overblown wrath of an overwrought daughter, she seriously has not let that go! Throughout I always insisted that "I got this"-this telling the universe not to come near! Taking on a role that she sees as hers and I insist is mine. We played continuous round robins of who is better at protecting whom, and who is really in charge, and whose role is it really??  and through each check in I heard my voice and I heard "The Voice" that has been firmly implanted -that Mom recording that I hit "Play" on again and again and again...Yes, I learned well-perhaps too well, but here I am still hitting play on words that I don't want to hear for myself yet find automatically flying out of me.

 

My Mom and her voice...well, she is a Mom, my Mom.  This is what she does and it seems it is what I do too. Despite many other roles and abilities, being a Mom is who she is with every inch of her being..and the root of all of this is love. That voice that lectures and reminds and pushes and frets and worries and...all come from a source that was planted through generations. Even though my Grandmother is no longer here she would be happy to know that the Muzak she implanted in both her daughter and in me plays everyday! WWND?-What Would Nana Do? makes us smile,laugh and remember. By some extraordinary string that will always connect us we still do it Nana's way, with our own twist, but Nana is in there in every high pitched instruction and lecture and reprimand and laugh!  How lucky I am -I got stereo! There is my Nana's Muzak and there is my Mother's- not surprisingly very similar tunes. Of course it is not just the "do it my way" tunes that I hear each day but more profoundly the emotional songs that have taken root from the bottom of my feet. These roots come from knowing without any hesitation or embarrassment that I keep playing those tunes because I need to hear that "noise"...and I learned this year that it is clear I always will.

via AmyHeitman

"My most important title is ‘mom-in-chief’. My daughters are still the heart of my heart and the centre of my world." - Michelle Obama, Former First Lady

I need the voice of the ones who love me no matter what! I may not always get it right but there is no auditioning or interviewing here. Even when the raincoat is in the car keeping the car dry, I know that if I get wet there is shelter available. If you are lucky in this life the bond with your Mom is the simplest, and many times the most complicated, one you will ever have. I am THAT lucky! There is nothing more basic or necessary than being loved completely and knowing that love sustains , motivates and grounds you. The string that runs from Mom to child is the most powerful and lasting connection there will ever be. We may walk through different doors painted different colors but we are usually going in the same direction... together! (much like the time we discovered we were in adjacent dressing rooms in Bloomingdales!)

 

 
The definition of a Mom cannot be found in a Hallmark card, in an ad for cake mix, or on a rerun of a 70s sitcom. A Mom is defined by her life's work. She can be a Supreme Court Justice or a candidate for President, but her Momdom is at the core of everything she does. Her success is not found in material success but in the knowledge that there is a perpetual work in progress out there that will always hear her music, always need her tune to be played, and always love her.

 

So as we slowly, very slowly Mom-are you listening!, emerge from this surreal year, we can actually plan a Mother's Day even if still with a  pretty mask. I realize with all that still is not right one thing is...a tradition.  This tradition looks a whole lot different from the many Mother's Days past, so many are now just two. A tradition that I recognize far too many cannot do this year, Moms and Daughters who cannot do Mother's Day any longer.  The pain of this year takes my breath away, it cannot be absorbed, it is so large, so overwhelming.  All the more reason to do everything within my power to ensure that tradition, no matter how altered, endures. A Mother and Grandmother will be celebrated! on this Mother's Day and everyday!

Happy Mother's Day Mummy...job well done,but never finished! I love you!

The One Thing That Will NOT Change-Mother's Day 2020

"Motherhood: All love begins and ends there." ~ Robert Browning

" Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly." ~Ambrose Bierce

Most days during this world upside down moment I can create a "normal" where things don't seem so out of time and space and I can continue to run my life. I can still sit in my office, do whatever work presents itself, and avoid doing the closet cleaning, garage cleaning, drawer cleaning, house cleaning...that everyone else seems to be accomplishing.  Shopping isn't happening, theatre is gone, no museums, no baseball, and the kids in the neighborhood are riding their bikes with masks on...that one stopped me in my tracks. Are we really creating a generation that won't know from a smile, a hug, a kiss...nope, cannot go there!  I am far too tied to screens like we all are and I do my best not to OD on news while I re-watch The West Wing for the umpteenth time.  I can do this! play the supermarket delivery games, make my own masks, go through jugs of sanitizer and put one foot in front of the other doing what you have to do to stay safe and then go on to dig in the garden til the sun goes down. 

Mary Englebreit

One thing I cannot rearrange,reorganize, make fit or make work,however, is a Mom in lockdown. I have imposed, OK the world has imposed and I am doing everything in my power to ensure,a fortress around her life.  Try as I might to create and cheer- on daily a "Camp Mommy" filled with books, conversations, movie suggestions, lessons on hairstyling when she hasn't done her own hair in 60 years, email links to rabbit hole sites, suggestions for how to play bridge online, book and magazine drop-offs, and grocery deliveries filled with fun food...she is still sheltered, albeit comfortably, in one place-alone.  She did "escape" once from my carefully planned fortress  and incurred the sheer blinding panic driven overblown wrath of an overwrought daughter, guessing she doesn't want to see that again! Fingers crossed, lesson learned-we can only hope!  So I got this-this telling the universe not to come near thing! Taking on a role that she sees as hers and I insist is mine. We play continuous round robins of who is better at protecting whom, and who is really in charge, and whose role is it really??  and through each check in I hear my voice and I hear "The Voice" that has been firmly implanted -that Mom recording that I hit "Play" on again and again and again...

My Mom and her voice...well, she is a Mom.  This is what she does and it seems it is what I do too. Despite many other roles and abilities, being a Mom is who she is with every inch of her being..and the root of all of this is love. That voice that lectures and reminds and pushes and frets and worries and...all come from a source that was planted through generations. Even though my Grandmother is no longer here she would be happy to know that the Muzak she implanted in both her daughter and in me plays everyday! WWND?-What Would Nana Do? makes us smile,laugh and remember. By some extraordinary string that will always connect us we do it her way, with our own twist, but Nana is in there in every high pitched instruction and lecture and reprimand and laugh!  How lucky I am -I got stereo! There is my Nana's Muzak and there is my Mother's- not surprisingly very similar tunes. Of course it is not just the "do it my way" tunes that I hear each day but more profoundly the emotional songs that have taken root from the bottom of my feet. These roots come from knowing without any hesitation or embarrassment that I keep playing those tunes because I need to hear that "noise". 

via AmyHeitman

"My most important title is ‘mom-in-chief’. My daughters are still the heart of my heart and the centre of my world." - Michelle Obama, Former First Lady

I need the voice of the person who loves me no matter what! I may not always get it right but there is no auditioning or interviewing here. Even when the raincoat is in the car keeping the car dry, I know that if I get wet there is shelter available. If you are lucky in this life the bond with your Mom is the simplest, and many times the most complicated, one you will ever have. I am THAT lucky! There is nothing more basic or necessary than being loved completely and knowing that love sustains , motivates and grounds you. The string that runs from Mom to child is the most powerful and lasting connection there will ever be. We may walk through different doors painted different colors but we are usually going in the same direction... together! (much like the time we discovered we were in adjacent dressing rooms in Bloomingdales!)
The definition of a Mom cannot be found in a Hallmark card, in an ad for cake mix, or on a rerun of a 70s sitcom. A Mom is defined by her life's work. She can be a Supreme Court Justice or a candidate for President, but her Momdom is at the core of everything she does. Her success is not found in material success but in the knowledge that there is a perpetual work in progress out there that will always hear her music, always need her tune to be played, and always love her.

So this surreal Mother's Day when nothing seems right or as it should, and as I figure out a pretty mask, and a 6' plus tape measure and curbside delivery,and no hydrangeas in pretty baskets, and a Mother's Day like no other... I realize with all that isn't right one thing is...a tradition that may not look quite the same this year but will within my power endure. A Mother and Grandmother will be celebrated! on this Mother's Day and everyday!

Happy Mother's Day Mummy...job well done,but never finished! I love you!

The Record that Never Gets Old-Happy Mother's Day!

via AmyHeitman

"Motherhood: All love begins and ends there." ~ Robert Browning
" Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly." ~Ambrose Bierce

Let's just acknowledge from the start, much like Peter Rabbit we never listened to our Mothers very well...not with our ears anyway. 

Momspeak after so many years became the true Muzak of our lives. "Why are you wearing that?" is the hit single we can all dance to-But I promise you Moms, we may not have listened...but we heard...every word! 
How else do we grow up to sound just like you??

I consider myself to be a pretty independent woman....known for my strong will with my own opinions and vision of the world. Yes, even headstrong and truly stubborn at times.  "My Way" or "Don't Rain on My Parade"could be my personal anthems...but there are in fact other voices in my head...an endless playlist of Dos and Don'ts, How Comes and Why Nots, rights and wrongs... from which shoes to wear, to how to fold a bedsheet, roast a chicken or walk into a crowd-the voices on my playlist will show the way. That Playlist recording comes straight from the my Mom's hit parade

(Edna Hibel)

"My most important title is ‘mom-in-chief’. My daughters are still the heart of my heart and the centre of my world." - Michelle Obama, Former First Lady

 No matter what else a Mom does with her life her JOB is her children. For our Moms our "end result" is the product of their career, their life's work...so of course we have been asked to get it right!! Our success is their success and for more than one generation of women that reflected "glory" or "failure" defined the women who raised us. We are the personification of their life's work-if we messed up...well, for them so did they. I may have my days when I wonder if I will ever do it right, get it right, but I am a woman who cares a great deal about doing it right,and getting it right, because I was taught by the women whose thumbprints are all over me that it matters. Sure, I have picked my rebellions to drive them nuts...I never learned how to properly fold that bed sheet which drove my Nana up a tree. I consistently neglect to wear a raincoat on a potentially rainy day leading my Mother to exclaim that I truly don't know when to come out of the rain.

I have to come to realize,however,that I am put together not with a selfishness or interest in making her mark, but with a complete commitment to her job. She is a Mom, this is what she does. Despite many other roles and abilities, being a Mom is who she is with every inch of her being..and the root of all of this is love.

If I can stand back and look at the woman who raised me with any objectivity I will see that not every woman who wears the label Mother does it so completely. It isn't that other Mothers don't love their children, or that they didn't do a good job, but that somewhere along the growing up line they declared an end game. OK, so a professional might say that is healthy-forget it! Maybe I can't see how it is possible to "retire" from the most important job any human can have because my Mother, and her Mother before her, never put their feet up on the job-thank goodness! Even though my Grandmother is no longer here she would be happy to know that the Muzak she implanted in both her daughter and in me plays everyday! WWND?-What Would Nana Do? makes us smile,laugh and remember. By some string that will always connect us we do it her way, with our own twist, but Nana is in the building!  How lucky I am -I got stereo! There is my Nana's Muzak and there is my Mother's- not surprisingly very similar tunes.

Of course it is not just the "do it my way" tunes that I hear each day but more profoundly the emotional songs that have taken root from the bottom of my feet. These roots come from knowing without any hesitation or embarrassment that I keep playing those tunes because I need to hear the noise. I need the voice of the person who loves me no matter what! I may not always get it right but there is no auditioning here. Even when the raincoat is in the car keeping the car dry, I know that if I get wet there is shelter available.

I also have the innate comfort that my Mom's job is far from done-her daughter is a product in development and will continue to be, as Anna Quindlen wrote-"A finished person is a boring person." I'm not finished, and only a person who does not need to be loved, does not hear the Muzak or recognize the thumbprints, can be finished.

If you are lucky in this life the bond with your Mom is the simplest, and many times the most complicated, one you will ever have. I am THAT lucky! There is nothing simpler than being loved completely and knowing that her love sustains , motivates and grounds you. The string that runs from Mom to child is the most powerful and lasting connection there will ever be. We may walk through different doors sometimes but we are usually going in the same direction... together! (much like the time we discovered we were in adjacent dressing rooms in Bloomingdales!)

The definition of a Mom cannot be found in a Hallmark card, in an ad for cake mix, or on a rerun of a 70s sitcom. A Mom is defined by her life's work. She can be a Supreme Court Justice or a candidate for President, her Momdom is at the core of everything she does. Her success is not found in material success but in the knowledge that there is a perpetual work in progress out there that will always hear her music, always need her tune to be played, and always love her.

 Don't go into Mr. McGregor's garden: your Father had an accident there; he was put in a pie by Mrs. McGregor. The Tale of Peter Rabbit

 Happy Mother's Day Mummy...job well done,but never finished! I love you!

Marmee's Girls-Loving Little Women

"My dear girls, I am ambitious for you, but not to have you make a dash in the world, marry rich men merely because they are rich, or have splendid houses, which are not homes because love is wanting. Money is a needful and precious thing, and when well used, a noble thing, but I never want you to think it is the first or only prize to strive for. I'd rather see you poor men's wives, if you were happy, beloved, contented, than queens on thrones, without self-respect and peace.”

 "I've got the key to my castle in the air, but whether I can unlock the door remains to be seen"

  
I do not have any sisters, so perhaps that is one reason Little Women was, and remains, one of my "Best Books".  I have many copies-some with broken spines and yellowed pages, others just sit so I know I have them on the shelf.  I have watched and re-watched every film and screen adaptation countless times-my favorite wavers between the 1933 version with Katharine Hepburn as Jo and the 1994 with Susan Sarandon as Marmee and Winona Ryder as Jo. Tonight Masterpiece Theatre premiers a new adaption  with Dame Angela Lansbury as Aunt March-I cannot wait!!

“I want to do something splendid… something heroic or wonderful that won’t be forgotten after I’m dead. I don’t know what, but I’m on the watch for it, and mean to astonish you all someday.”

Louisa May Alcott wrote her coming of age tale set during the Civil War and based on her own family stories, just up the road in Concord Ma. She was an abolitionist and an early feminist and was the first woman to register to vote in Concord when women were given limited suffrage in 1879.  You can visit The Alcott's Orchard House ,"Home to Little Women".  

"I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship"

Like many  readers, I saw myself in each of the March sisters. Amy, who loved her family but was impulsive, jealous, fluffy ambitious and artistic who wanted to be surrounded by beautiful things, and as the youngest, despite knowing better,could be a bit bratty. Meg, responsible, good natured, practical and there for all her sisters yet holding her own longings for her own life.  Beth, painfully shy and so truly good, with a selfless tender heart that seemed always in need of sharing.   Jo, like many of us it is Jo I identify with most-ambitious, dramatic, sharp witted, creative, imaginative, frustrated, willful, stubborn always with her nose in a book, fighting change but longing for it, and never at rest confined to the limitations of being a girl in 19thc New England. She would not marry the "boy next door" dear Laurie, though I know they would always love one another, Jo dreamed big and knew there was more for her than being the wife of a wealthy man.

“Because they are mean is no reason why I should be. I hate such things, and though I think I've a right to be hurt, I don't intend to show it. (Amy March)”

For a book published in 1869 Little Women remains as relevant,and I would argue perhaps more so, than in the post Civil War age it was written.  Not simply because of its tales of siblings love and jealousy dealing with all the messiness of  growing up,coming of age and finding out who you are entails, but also because the characters remain real-they love, they scheme, they care, they hurt and they dream.  From Jo we learn that being a girl, no matter where you grow, doesn't and shouldn't stop you in place.  Marmee's girls may all be different but at their core is heart and Marmee raises them to be their best selves.  On Mother's Day, and everyday, is there a better way to celebrate Moms and Daughters.  Enjoy!!!

“My Jo, you may say anything to your mother, for it is my greatest happiness and pride to feel that my girls confide in me and know how much I love them.”

“Jo's breath gave out here, and wrapping her head in the paper, she bedewed her little story with a few natural tears, for to be independent and earn the praise of those she loved were the dearest wishes of her heart, and this seemed to be the first step toward that happy end.” 

all illustrations from gutenburg.org