Standing with Me Now, and Always-Father's Day 2020

“She did not stand alone, but what stood behind her, the most potent moral force in her life, was the love of her father."

~Harper Lee

I woke this morning with a stunning thought, well stunning for me anyway, I have lived more of my life without my Dad than with him. How can that be? On so many levels my Dad has never left me, he never could. Yet, the tumult of these months, and years, have  me continually searching for my anchor, my center point on which to land and from which to move forward again. On these many days I pull on a thread, a very old tired thread. Sometimes I have to really tug at that thread, it is covered in the dust of disappointment, worry, expectations, dreams and promises. It is that thread,however, that doesn't unravel me as you might think a long thread of memories might, rather it helps me to do what I know well, knit myself back to what I wear best-the love of my Dad.

Loss leaves craters in your life, and no it does not get easier with time. Though those "potholes" of life  can never be filled, and will never be closed, if you have been enveloped with love when you hit those holes, and you do, the holes are softer to look into and can in fact  bring both strength and joy.

 

via

“Being a daddy’s girl is like having a permanent armor for the rest of your life.” 

~Marinela Reka 

I proudly say I am a "Daddy's Girl". There are a lot of negative looks that come with that phrase...spoiled, Princess, indulged...not exactly words you label someone who has always been a feminist and worked to encourage all girls to believe in themselves and their dreams ...but for me the phrase symbolizes not only the unbreakable bond between a Father and Daughter but also the foundation upon which I stand... every day. The insurance, and assurance, that believing in myself,as Daddy believed in me, will get me through and propel me forward. 

 A father is neither an anchor to hold us back nor a sail to take us there but a guiding light whose love shows us the way

~Annonymous

This Father's Day weekend may not be my first without Daddy, but like every year at this time I try to keep the mascara from going by hugging the memories and re-opening his many gifts to me.  Gifts that I carry with me every day and always will.  Gifts that are sewn into the core of my soul and especially my heart. Gifts that have given me an umbrella policy for life, a firm footing even when it feels as if the the universe  has sent me into orbit on my own.

via Curly Girl Design

"Run your own race,baby. He could have said it a dozen other ways. “Be independent.” “Don’t be influenced by others.” But it wouldn’t have been the same. The words he chose touched my heart and have remained with me all through my life. Whenever I’m at a crossroads, I ask myself, 

“Am I running my race or somebody else’s?"

What a gift he gave me."

Marlo Thomas on her Dad Danny Thomas' advice to her.

We lost my Dad suddenly. After the shock wore off, and the numbness set in, I felt as if I was living without a safety net, free falling-I still have a whole lot of days I feel that way. It took some time to realize that Daddy had left me the biggest net of all- the knowledge that I do have solid ground beneath my feet at all times, because of the lessons he taught me: be yourself, stand for what you believe, laugh no matter what, show them how it's done!, know you tried your best, believe in who you are!  These lessons helped to build my base, grow the roots that sprout from my feet and created my own terra firma, composed of all the love that I was graced to be given. 

That love has taught me to believe in myself and my strengths, and to know that I CAN “run my own race”- even when I have trouble finding the track. My Father taught me to trust my instincts, believe that there is nothing I can’t accomplish and that the worst thing I could do would be to give up, pass on an opportunity or to sit on the sidelines and never try! I think the only instances that Daddy was really upset and angry with me is when I gave up, ran home, hid under the covers, didn't try.

Still on the days when I think…”There is NO way I can do this!” or "What do I do next" I hear Daddy saying “Try!”.  I pull on that string that brings him closer, grab a Kleenex for the ride, and know that even in a world that makes absolutely no sense, I can move forward and knit my way through. My Dad lived through the Depression and WWII.  These experiences framed him, perhaps left scars that I wasn't shown, but they didn't impede his spirit and I know he would expect me to learn the lessons of now and not let these days stop my spirit, and to move forward knowing I am tied to love.

 Happy Father’s Day Daddy…Thank you for my many gifts. Oh how I wish you were here to watch me run my own crazy race,especially when I run the other way :) I love you today and everyday!

In the darkest days, when I feel inadequate, unloved and unworthy, I remember whose daughter I am and I straighten my crown.

~Anonymous

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